Getting to know the Real Me

Now that I have some down time, I intend to put it to good use. Not only by spending a lot of time in my studio, but also writing again, contemplating, soul searching, and getting to know the Real Me.

My life has been a whirlwind of events, activities, and drama. I have spent many years taking care of others...friends, family (including our 6 children)and business associates. I am 41 years old and I feel like I don't even know myself. Growing up I had an abusive childhood. Yes, there were good times too, but it was stained by the abuse that I suffered from the age of 5 to 13 years. At 13, I became strong enough to stand up for myself, (my family never did) and stop the abuse on my own. Today, I am a stronger person because of that, but I am forever tainted. The person who abused me is STILL a member of our 'family'. My geneoligical family. He isn't part of My family! I will never speak to him or see him again, but the rest of my family does....and that hurts....

Anyway, my point is that due to the abuse, I have spent most of my life taking care of others feelings and ignoring my own. I have had to 'put on a happy face' and 'pretend' to be 'nice'. I have had to portray this 'normal' girl, who is happy and content, when inside, I am screaming and raging from the horrendous way my family has covered up the 'events', and continues to do so.

Sometimes, I feel like a clown. Perhaps that is why I am intrugued by the circus so much. I love clowns, I love to draw them, and especially the vintage circus. I feel connected to that because I lived that...my life has been a circus, and I have been the main act.

Now...I am ready to take off the makeup and get to know the Real little girl that was forgotten so long ago. I am going to nurture that little girl, and show her the love she was not shown. I am going to take the time to get to know the Real Me.

During this time I am going to commit to being 'true to myself'. Brutal honesty is going to dominate my thoughts. I want to spend time really delving into things like; what makes me tick, why do i like peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, what are my dreams, and how can I turn them into a reality. I want to go on a journey of self discovery and you know what? I bet I will find out that I am FABULOUS!